My Absence.

It’s been dead silent over here. My apologies. I thought that I could still post despite what I was personally going through, but it was just too much for me.

So many times I thought about writing this post and the best way to convey what has been happening. I write in a journal outside of this blog and I’ve neglected that as well. I’ve carried it around with me in the event I just had to write something needed to be shared. Finally, one afternoon during my lunch I opened it up and started with, “I’ve neglected to write in here because I’ve felt too much. I didn’t want to spew emotion across these pages and write things down that I’d later regret. I believe in the power of written words and while I thought about things, writing them all down would have been too intense and would make them all the more real.”

In February one of the most important relationships in my life came crashing down. In the moment of things said, it felt like it crashed all around me. It crashed hard. At the same time my anxiety sky rocketed and it was too intense for me to handle. Through life events, my career and what not, I’ve learned how to manage my anxiety. I’ve done so well with it, but then so much came out of left field that I couldn’t manage my anxiety.

I withdrew. I worked out really hard to get out what was going on inside me and so it would tire me out.

I had a schedule of what I wanted to post on here and I mentally felt too overwhelmed to  commit to it.

At the same time I was looking for somewhere to live, trying to get some things resolved with my taxes, one of my mentors passed away, another best friend’s mom had passed away, I was trying to get through some things with repairing the crashed relationship… I felt so much that I didn’t trust myself with being around people. For so many years I had to fake being good, and presenting myself as together at my previous job, that I know I can hide behind a mask. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t return a genuine ‘how are you, Rachelle?’ with a generic adjective. Everyone has things going on in there life that we’ll never know about, but my anxiety couldn’t allow me to hide it.

I became aware that while I had managed my anxiety for a long time, I wasn’t prepared for this. I wasn’t prepared for how mentally and spiritually paralyzed I felt.

I needed to be quiet. I needed to be careful with my words and emotions. I really needed to seek God more than ever and in a new way for myself.

Between the other things I listed above, a recent friendship grew stronger and they’re someone who shared a lot of honesty with me regarding my recent events. They didn’t have the same experience as me, but understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling. Eventually, I opened up to a few others who asked about my lack of communication. Each being an amazing piece to me being able to pick myself back up, letting go of so much I had been carrying around (some things I didn’t realize I still held onto) and digging myself out of the emotional and mental dark place I was hiding in.

I knew for awhile that I wasn’t in a safe place. It was hard to face it. It was my fault for not acknowledging things head on throughout the last year and a half of my life. I kept myself so busy that I didn’t take the time to look deep within myself.

This week I turn 31 and so many changes are ahead. Some changes I’m aware of and others that will happen as I keep moving.

In May I am moving and I’ve been packing and minimizing. My space will be small, but it’ll be good. I’ve been meaning to do this clean out for quite sometime. Posting might be a little spotty, but I am going to share my story of anxiety. From having it as a child to an adult and learning how to manage it, without medication.

I hope you’ve all been well and I’ve missed logging into my reader! Soon enough I’ll be back full force 🙂

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