restlessness.

I haven’t walked in 6 weeks.

I’ve been sitting and elevating my foot for 6 weeks.

I’ve had some really bad moments with growing restless.  I keep reminding myself this is a temporary thing and recovery is part of the deal of committing to having surgery.  It gets frustrating not being able to walk, tiring yourself out using crutches, or having to be pushed in a wheelchair.  It’s frustrating watching people do things for you that 6 weeks ago you were doing for yourself and knowing that it’ll take awhile for you to be able to do that again.

It’s not in my nature to complain.  And when I catch myself complaining, I get upset because I know it’s not very Me and I don’t even like hearing others complain.

When I come across a devotion that I really enjoy and really hits home for me, I save them because I know that it’ll come in handy again.   Like this one:

 

Why, O Lord, is it so hard for me to keep my heart directed towards you? Why do the many little things I want to do, and the many people I know, keep crowding into my mind, even during the hours that I am totally free to be with you and you alone? Why does my mind wander off in so many directions, and why does my heart desire the things that lead me astray? Are you not enough for me? Do I keep doubting your love and care, your mercy and grace? Do I keep wondering, in the center of my being, whether you will give me all I need if I just keep my eyes on you?

Please accept my distractions, my fatigue, my irritations, and my faithless wanderings. You know me more deeply and fully than I know myself. You love me with a greater love than 1 can love myself. You even offer me more than I can desire. Look at me, see me in all my misery and inner confusion, and let me sense your presence in the midst of my turmoil. All I can do is show myself to you. Yet, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid that you will reject me. But I know – with the knowledge of faith -that you desire to give me your love. The only thing you ask of me is not to hide from you, not to run away in despair, not to act as if you were a relentless despot.

Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest. Do I ask too much too soon? I should not worry about that. You will let me know. Come, Lord Jesus, come. Amen. 

Henry Nouwen

 

As I went to bed last night I knew that this restless had to be over and I needed to move forward.  I had the best sleep I’ve had in about a week’s time and woke up refreshed, ready, and more at peace.

 

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